| Isabella's story starts long before she was conceived. Let me start by saying that I have two boys from a previous marriage. As of today, Alex is 13 & Timothy is 12. I never thought I would get re-married, much less have more children. On June 24, 2000, I married the man of my dreams! We started our life as a new family and bought a new home out of the area. We were so excited as we waited for our home to be built! On January 23, 2001, I was in a car accident. This accident really scared me. My father was killed in a car accident when I was a child, so I always feared I too would die in a car accident. After the accident, I started to think that every fear I had before was now going to come true. I was afraid something would happen to my children or my husband. I no longer wanted to move away, I was just so scared. I also had second thoughts about the home we were buying, it was a little too expensive & I knew if ever was going to have a baby I would want to stay home. I started going to counseling & it really helped me to start to put things in perspective. |
| Isabella's Story |
| The Beginning |
| The news! |
| On April 8th 2001, I woke up and decided to take a pregnancy test. I don't really know why, I was not late yet, but just thought I wanted to test "for fun". (We were'nt activley trying to get pregnant, although we did discuss it the month before. My husband sells medical supplies so he happened to have some tests that a customer returned. I took the test & left it in the bathroom. My husband checked it & said "uhh honey..." & he started laughing. The test was positive!! Well, I did not believe it, since the test was returned, I figured there must be something wrong so I took 5 more tests..sure enough all positive! I still didn't trust them, so I ran to Walgreens to get "a name brand" test...by the time I got home, my husband was already on the phone telling his mom! He was so excited. Needless to say, the Walgreens test was positive too! My life changed the moment I found out I was pregnant. We decided on a more affordable house, so I would be able to stay home. My boss was nice enough to let me work from home during my pregnancy as well as after I was to have the baby. All the fears I had before were now gone. I was happy again. Thats when I knew that God sent me an angel! |
| From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I just knew I was having a boy. I pictured him playing with Tonka trucks, fishing with his Dad, & just doing "boy" things! I remembered how fun my boys were when they were little & pictured my baby doing the same things. On August 6th , I had my ultrasound..when the technician told me I was having a girl my whole world turned PINK!! I was so happy! I never thought I would get to have a girl! From that moment on, I dreamt of ruffles & dresses, pigtails & barbie dolls!! |
| It's a girl!! |
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| Without a doubt, being pregnant was the happiest 9 months of my life. I loved being pregnant! Even though I would complain to my husband (just looking for special attention!) I really did love it! I loved my big belly and I loved all the planning we did.I even loved the way I "waddled" towards the end. We moved to our new home and we were starting new lives. I remember going to Disneyland and not being able to go on any rides because I was pregnant. I also remember thinking that we would be back the following summer with my 6 month old baby girl. I joked with my husband that he would be holding the baby while I went on all the rides! I bought Isabella her fist gift at Disneyland, a stuffed Winne the Pooh. I remember the first time I felt her kick. My husband was out of town so I was feeling lonely and sad. Then I felt her kick! I felt is was her way of telling me I was not alone.I loved putting together the nursery for the baby. I never got to do that with my boys because we had lived in an apartment and just didn't have much. I bought the cutest little outfits & toys. So many nights I would just sit in her room and dream about our new life, folding & re-folding her little clothes over & over.. I would try and guess what she looked like and what her personality would be like. I had two baby showers and I recieved so many wonderful gifts. I was always aware of her presence so I never felt alone. . |
| The Pregnancy |
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| The last few weeks of pregnancy, I started to worry a lot about the baby. I really do not know what triggered this. I had everything ready, the clothes were washed, the room was ready, we had the carseat & stroller. Oddly enough though, I did not wash or prepare the things I received from my baby showers. I never even removed the tags. I just had a weird feeling I would not be using them and I don't know why. I put those things in a drawer. The last three weeks of my pregnancy I made about 3 trips to either the doctors office or the hospital because I did not feel the baby move like she usually did. Each time I had a non-stress test & each time everything was fine. I remember one of my last appointments I told the nurse at my doctors office I was getting extremely nervous and would not feel "ok" until I brought my baby home. I even told my husband that when I had my baby that I did not want to see her until I heard her first. I wanted to hear her cry before I even looked at her. I wanted to know she was O.K. At my last doctor's appointment, I let my Dr know I was "freaking out" I was also concerned that he was going to be on vacation the week of Christmas & I did not want another Dr. to deliver my baby. (my due date was 12-19) We decided that I would be induced on 12-10, just one week before my due date. I was thrilled! On Friday night 12-1 I had some lower back pain and some slight pain in my stomach. I thought maybe I would be going into labor. I was induced with both my boys so I really didn't really know what it felt like to go into labor on my own. The following morning I still was a little crampy but not too bad. My husband and I went to Costco to stock up on frozen food, so I wouldn't have to cook after I had the baby. The pain got worse and I had to go wait in the car while my husband finished shopping. When I got home I called the Dr on call, she was not very nice to me and said it didn't sound like I was in labor but if I wanted to go to the hospital I could. So, I went in to be monitored. I was not in labor, but the nurse had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat, so he used an ultrasound to find it. I had to stay for the non-stress test. It seemed the baby was sleeping so we kept trying to wake her up, we did and the Dr on call looked at her test strip said everything was ok and sent me home. The following day, Sunday, my husband and I took the boys to the movies, it was our last outing as a family of "3". This is where my memory starts to fade. I must have felt something wrong because I remember having a coke and some candy at the movies, trying to wake her up. My husband says I put his hand on my belly to feel for movement & he said she was moving, for some reason I do not remember that. When we got home it was 10:00 pm and I went to her room to finish working on a blanket I was making for her. I felt this need to finish it right away. I stayed up until 4:00 am, until I got too tired & went to bed. I never did finish the blanket. |
| The Worry |
| Monday morning December 3rd, I woke up and realized I had not felt the baby move. I knew I needed to get to the doctors office. My husband was 2 hours away at a business meeting so I had to go alone. I started to panic, I could not find my car keys and had to call my brother to give me a ride to the doctor's office. I remember writing my husbands cell phone down on a piece of paper, as if I knew the Dr would need to call him while I was there. As I waited outside for my ride, my neighbor came out & asked me when I was going to have the baby. "Next week", I said..but I felt like I was lying, because deep inside, I knew. I knew she was gone. When I arrived at the doctor's office, they took me right back but someone was already on the fetal monitor so they decided to use the doppler to find the heartbeat and put my mind at ease. After searching around the nurse finally found it & I cried I was so relieved. I was then put on the fetal monitor and again, they could not find her heartbeat, so we had to go to the ultrasound. This is the same thing that happened 2 days before so I thought everything was going to be ok. My doctor came in and began the ultrasound. The nurse was with him, she looked at the screen and then walked to the box of Kleenex..then I knew. I heard my doctor say the words that would change my life foever. "Leann, I am looking at the heart and it is still". "No!" I cried! "We just heard the heartbeat a few minutes ago" "No Leann, that was your heartbeat". I don't remember much after that. My husband was told the news over the phone & I had to go home and wait 2 hours for him while he drove home. Once he got home, we headed to the hospital to be induced to have our baby. |
| 12-3-01 |
| As my husband and I walked through the hospital parking lot, I hugged him and cried, "I can't do this!" How am I supposed to give birth to my baby knowing I will not be bringing her home? We were admitted to the hospital and I was checked into a room at the end of the hall away from the other birthing mothers. I recieved an epidural and the pitocin was started to induce my labor at about 6:00 pm. I felt no contractions thanks to my epidural, so I just waited in fear. I wanted to rip my IV out of my arms & run away, I can't do this! This can't be real! At 11:25 the medication started to wear off & I started feeling tremendous pain. The nurse checked me and said I was ready to start pushing, but I wasn't ready, I was so scared. The doctor had me start pushing and after only a few minutes he told me I only had one more push and my baby would be here. One more push? That soon? No, I wasn't ready yet! I didn't want to let her go. I pushed again and at 11:59 pm, my daughter Isabella Rose was born silently. The only cries I heard were my own. My husband hugged me and we cried together. The nurses cleaned her up & wrapped her in a blanket & then handed her to me. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. How did this beautiful baby come from me? She was so sweet and perfect. We just held her and cried. She weighed 7lbs 6 oz. So perfect. We spent time with her that night and the next morning. We held her, kissed her and told her we loved her over and over again. I wrapped her up in a blanket and pink cap I had for her before we went home. Leaving my baby at the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I gave birth to my baby at 38 weeks and I was going home empty handed. As I was being wheeled out of the hospital, so was another mother, with a baby in her arms |
| The Birth |
| How can I describe the unbelievable pain in my heart and soul? The pain in planning my baby's funeral. The pain of never hearing her cry, never seeing her look into my eyes. The pain of coming home to an empty nursery. The physical pain of having my milk come in, and no baby to nurse. The pain I see in my husband's eyes. It hurts to breathe. A big part of me died on December 3rd and I will never have it back. The first morning I woke up in my own bed and saw my husband sleeping next to me, I realized she looked just like him! I just started crying. Sometimes I just stare at him and watch him sleep. When he smiles, is that her smile? I have cried and begged God to please give me my baby back. I promised I would be a good mother, I would never complain about losing sleep, or changing diapers. All my plans for her gone, my dreams, gone. What now? Now, I still sit in her nursery and dream about what could have been, what should have been while I hold the blanket that I never finished. |
| The pain |
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| The love I feel for my daughter is overwhelming. It consumes me. I think about her every minute. I still talk to her. I tell her how much I love her and miss her. Every breath I take she is with me. I feel them both completely, the pain and the love. They do not cancel each other out. The tightness in my chest, the emptiness in my stomach and the tears in my eyes are the physical reminders of these feelings that I carry with me. The 9 months of pregnancy and the moments I had with her in the hospital were worth every ounce of pain that I am feeling now, because of the love I have for her. If I had to do it all again, knowing what I know now, as much as it hurts I would. I would not trade my time with Isabella for anything in the world. She gave me the best 38 weeks of my life and I am a better person for having her in my life. |
| The Love |
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| Please, never forget her, never pretend she did not exist. ~Leann |
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| Isabella's footprints |